February 1, 2009
the praise and worship singing this afternoon was one of the longest moments in my life. it was a spiritual battle. i felt heavy, tired, burdened and at the same time distracted. i found it hard to sing. it’s the first time i’ve felt i really could not go on singing. all the while i was praying hard that the Lord would just sustain me.
i was aware that i made many mistakes but i chose not to dwell on them because i know that in my heart i really desire to give my best. So i held on to His grace and my desire to really worship Him. through it all, God was faithful.
i still felt blessed while sitting there listening to the message. I acknowledged that through my inadequacy, God let me experience his faithfulness.
i felt i learned much with what happened today. i know that i really didn’t have a dependent spirit before coming to the service. this morning, instead of spending time just being with Him, i chose to give more attention to learning the songs because i found some parts really confusing. sigh. how many times does God have to tell me that what He wants is a quiet heart tuned in to Him instead of perfect singing? I know it is important to be excellent because He deserves only the best. but He also said, “…I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings”. (Hosea 6:6) i’ve learned i can only truly give my best to God if my heart’s desire is to know Him more.
and i’m really thankful that though i felt heaviness in my heart, there were people who comforted me and proved that it is God who speaks to the hearts of the people. voices and music are mere instruments. the ever-ready tap in my shoulder from the mentor when he sees my head bowed after leading (seems like he knows the times when i get tired). encouraging words from the pastor saying He was blessed, the sequence and message of the songs were appropriate. a sister blessed with the message of the song At the Cross.
He continues to teach me many things. and i’m so thankful that He guides and leads me each step of the way.