November 12, 2009

my adviser already told me before. but hearing it again feels like being stabbed in the heart the second time. overeaction? maybe. but i don’t know why it hurts that way. after all this time. after all i’ve learned..

she told me already before. maybe 2-3 semesters ago. i wouldn’t have a chance graduating with honors because i have underloads (less than 15 units). but the only real underloaded semester i had was when i dropped technical drawing when i was still an engineering student. and i only had 1 unit less than the normal load because of that. the 2 other sems that were underloaded were because i am a shiftee and all the subjects in our curriculum are seasonal. bottomline is, it was out of my control.

hearing it again today from the evaluator for graduating students.. well, i just felt like taking the same blow from before. why is it such a big deal anyway? i know well enough that graduating with honors is not my ticket to a bright future. still.. it stings.

i’m not an athlete. i don’t have memories from org events because i don’t have any. i didn’t join any contest whatsoever. i guess it’s the only award i am to have but it won’t be given. maybe that’s why it’s hard to accept.

add the fact that, right now, i’m 80% sure i won’t be able to be in the graduating ceremonies on april. they don’t want us to do our on-the-job training this semester. which means i have to do it in summer. then graduate only after that.

my sister, two years younger than me, will be graduating with honors. my youngest sister will be graduating from high school. they will both be able to attend their graduating ceremonies. me? i have to wait for another year to be able to march if i am to graduate after summer 2010. even the chance to attend the graduating ceremonies has been taken away.

no award. no graduating ceremony.

guess i kinda looked forward to the graduating ceremony too much. it’s an excuse to get dolled up in a white dress. and then you get to wear the sablay. and stand with the other graduates and feel great because formal school life is finally over. what would it be like without that? just get your records. ok, you’re a graduate now. no important ceremony to share your achievement with the important people of your life.

big deal huh? don’t know why it is for me.

insignificant. negligible.

i’m thinking that God wants me to let go of trivial things i’ve been holding on to. He’s again emptying my hand. and i know it’s all for the best..

And when you look at the sky, you know you are looking at stars that are hundreds and thousands of light-years away from you. And some of the stars don’t even exist anymore, because their light has taken so long to get to us that they are already dead or they have exploded and collapsed into red dwarfs. And that makes you seem very small, and if you have difficult things in your life, it is nice to think that they are what is called negligible, which means that they are so small, you don’t have to take them into account when you are calculating something. -Christopher Boone, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

i smiled as i read that this morning from the book i’m currently reading.. i’m such a geek.


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