So now I have an answer to the “what” question. And to have arrived at an answer at all is a miracle in itself.
Three years ago, in 2010, the year before I graduated from college, I knew for sure that I was not to be a food technologist. Something just wasn’t right. Even after four years of studying in a science high school and taking up science-related courses in college, there was an unrest in me. I learned to appreciate the sciences over the years and even came to the point of wanting to pursue research studies in food microbiology. But I really felt that something was amiss. A part of me was slowly dying as my course zeroed in on major subjects. I became less and less interested in going to school and wondered why I was studying what I was studying. Gone were the days of GE (general education) subjects which gave me a breather. World Literature, Asian History and the like.
So I enrolled in a language subject for a summer, continued with the basic class on the first semester, sat through two mid-level courses, took the language proficiency test and passed, certifying that I am level 4-proficient in Japanese. I think it was what got me through the semesters when I had nothing else to learn but food science and technology. (It’s funny how I didn’t see these then as clues to what I really wanted to do.) And after 2 years of writing my thesis, the first year spent still full-time at school and the second while I had a full-time job, I finally graduated in 2011. Miracle of miracles. But I was left with the big question of what I really want to do in life.
All the while, when I still didn’t have an answer to this, I felt like I was floating in oblivion. Or walking on thin ice. And I hated it. I hated the feeling of not knowing. Uncertainty was killing me. I then learned how much of a control freak I really am.
Fast forward to today. I have an answer to the ‘what do I want to do’ question.
Writing. I want to write. And yet, I am beset with more questions. How will I go about doing that? How do I become someone who writes? Dare I say, how do I become a writer?
You’d think I would have already learned not to be so much of a control freak. After all, the answer to the “what” question didn’t come up while I was actively strategizing. It came to me like a gift dropped in my lap and slowly, layer by layer, unwrapped. It came while I was starting to know myself more, appreciating God’s unique design for me. Obviously these did not happen with strategies and fool-proof plans. Sure I took some practical steps but the answer, the timing, and the circumstances around it were God-given. God-timed. God-written. How many times must He reiterate that his ways and thoughts are way higher than mine?
But old habits die hard so I went about building what seemed to be fool-proof plans, carefully laying out steps one, two, three, etc. After accomplishing steps one and one and a half, a twist suddenly comes up and in an instant, the plan was annihilated.
(Sigh) I didn’t think this business of fully submitting to His ways and being renewed in my mind could be this tough. Just when I thought I was really learning to do so, I am confronted with the reality that I. still. am. gripping. control.
But I am comforted that God showed me this. If not through His words and others’ perspectives I would’ve gone my own way. Again.
Even though the current path He has shown does not make sense now, I am starting to hear a melody He is humming, making my feet want to move to the rhythm of His grace.
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. ~Proverbs 12:15
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit” – yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ~James 4:13-15
May he grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the Lord fulfill all your petitions! Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. ~Proverbs 20:4-8
Just trust. Trust so that you may obey. Listen to His voice, to His song. Dance to His rhythm.
Isn’t this, after all, what He is asking of you and what your heart truly desires, from the utmost depths of your being?