An Attempt to Analyze

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of good education, a stable job, and acceptable looks must be in want of a husband. However different her feelings, thoughts, dreams and goals are in life, this is so fixed in the minds of people around her that they constantly badger the happily contented single female nearing the age of 30 with questions, teasing and endless seemingly innocent inquiries on what her plans are regarding marriage. The happy, young woman however just brushes these off. Sometimes she laughs and joins in the joke. She playfully chooses among the many suggested candidates they throw at her and invents reasons why so-and-so is much deserving than the other one. But in her mind none of them even comes close to one with whom she may consider sharing her life. She can’t help it. She’s a stickler to details and she knows what she wants and why. If anyone would care enough to sit down with her and really listen to what she has to say and not just bother her with unsolicited advice, she would directly tell that person that she prefers not to be married.

She plans to go back to school and study some more. Not because she’s a degree hoarder but that she finally found what she wants to do in life. She wants to write. And she’s going back to school to soak herself in the music of the best poetry and prose as she tries to find her own voice and rhythm. She wants to be like the minds who forever gave the world a deeper understanding of reality and who gave access to secret worlds that were once hidden inside their minds. She wants to know other souls like her who have the same passion for life, for truth, for beauty. She wants to mingle with crafters who work with words or colors or sounds or wood or metal or mud or maybe with two or three or all of these. She wants to build bridges toward them and see if they, too, had struggled most of their lives looking for what they were meant to do. She also wants to know the stories of those who have known all along what they want to do in life. She wants to explore how they knew, if anyone helped them or if there was a vivid moment that told them what it is they were meant for. She wants to see what she could accomplish together with these people. She wants to reach out to the ones among them who have yet to know True Beauty and tell them why all their lives they have been yearning to express, to create, to experience and how all of these yearnings point to Him. She longs to be there with them as they discover why they have been designed and gifted that way, and why they are who they are, even as she herself continues to discover these things in her own life.

She wants to birth books. But any husband would want to have children. And so she cannot reconcile the writing life and the married life right now. She can’t imagine how she’ll ever accomplish any writing with a husband and a child or children to take care of. This might seem selfish but think about the considerations she has to make. She, who has been a hopeless romantic all her life, is now confronted with the reality that she might have to choose between her craft and a “normal” life. Not that she’s scared of being different. What concerns her is that almost all the old maids she has known are either sickly or grumpy or have some sort of weirdness in them that she doesn’t want to have. If ever she’s meant to be a Miss all her life, she’d want to be like her favorite author, beloved and delighted in by her nephews and nieces, brother and sisters. But Ms. Austen is cheerful, gay and able to write in a common area and accommodate anyone who comes near her. She, on the other hand, is mostly serious and oftentimes a loner, and can write almost only within the confines of her room. That doesn’t spell like someone who could be a favorite among those who know her.

She is aware though that there are many women who write and have a family. And so she doesn’t dismiss the possibility of being married someday. Maybe someone would come along who also has an artist’s spirit, someone who knows and understands her craft as much as she does. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be willing to ruin someone else’s life by pretending that she can be a good domestic partner when, in truth, she wants to be so dedicated to growing her craft and to fly free and see the world because she always wants wider horizons.

As of now, this is how she sees things. This is what makes sense to her. Time may change her perspective on these matters but whether she ends up married or single for the rest of her life, she has the comfort of knowing she has found what she loves to do. Not many people can say the same for themselves.


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